I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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