she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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