I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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