Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
