just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
