There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
