God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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