so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
