Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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