Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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