Someone shit on the floor
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
