my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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