I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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