I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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