Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
