I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
