When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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