Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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