Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
