You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
