I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
