I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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