I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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