You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
