I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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