Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
