i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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