Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
