There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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