i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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