it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
