Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
