You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
