I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize