I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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