There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
