I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize