I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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