so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
