I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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