I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
