About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
