Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
