I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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