so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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