Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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