my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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