I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
