Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
