Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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