I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
