dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
