It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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