you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
